


"The Plight of a Wooing Man (and His Entourage)"

by december13



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: But it's funny, Kinda, Multi, Valentine's Day, at least I laughed, i love the title, not so sure about the content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9791852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/december13/pseuds/december13
Summary: Jaime is courting Brienne. Or so he thinks.She is not amused.Bronn and Tyrion might be.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Still not native and still I own my mistakes... Something along those lines.
> 
> If characters seem to be a bit OOC, then turn a blind eye. Also, I borrowed a bit from Agony (Into the Woods musical).
> 
> This one can be read as a standalone or as a prequel to Battle Lost, Battle Won.
> 
>  
> 
> \------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ouch!"

"Stop fidgeting wench and fight me."

"I'm trying to... Ouch! ... What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me. I am fine specimen of both man and knight!"

...

"Wench?"

"Sure you are."

"See, you're already agreeing with me!"

"I am not! Will you pick up a practice sword?!"

"Am I not sensitive... Fight me!"

"I would if you'd just... Ouch!"

"Clever, well-mannered... Attack me, woman... considerate, passionate... Why are you standing there... charming, as kind as I'm handsome..."

"Ser Jaime, you're making a fool out of yourself."

"I most certainly am not, my Lady! Now, guard your left side, because I'm coming straight... for..."

"Ouch! You idiot!"

"The language of a high born lady... tsk-tsk... And I did warn you!"

"How can I act against you and defend myself when you're not even..."

"Ouch! That hurts, Wench!"

"Ha! Have a taste of your own medicine, Lannister... And my name is..."

"Wench! I love how you adopted it for yourself."

"No... Ouch... Quit it... I did no such thing!"

"And yet every time I call for a wench, you turn around."

"Lannister..."

"What a lovely growl, and is that a blush that I'm seeing?"

"Stop it! Move your hand once again toward... Ouch!"

"You were saying?"

...

"Wench?"

...

"Wench, you look positively fierce and, if I might add, murderous."

...

"Brienne?

...

"My Lady, I should state that y- "

@#$!!@@$##

...

"I'll be in a stable if you ever decide to grow up!"

 

******************************************************

 

"Fuckin' Jaime Lannister."

"Is that a name for a new poem, Bronn?"

"Might as well be... Fuckin' Jaime Lannister!"

"What is my brother up to now?"

"Fuck me if I know."

"I'd rather not. Wine?"

"As long as it's cold and red."

"It's warm... And white."

"It'll do."

"Did he just...?"

"Yeah, he called himself clever. Funny man, your brother, he forgot... Fuck, he poked her!"

"What in the all hell is he doing?"

"Well, we had a talk. And I did ask if he was considering poking her, 'cause, you know, if he doesn't someone else will and early bird catches a good fuck. But it was clear I was talkin' about poking stick... and when I say poking stick I don't mean his finger... nor his sword... And when I say I don't mean his sword..."

"I get the picture!"

"Can't believe Gods gave him all of the wealth and look one man can ask for, and yet..."

"He is romantically, shall we say, challenged"

"Challenged?! He just... Merciful Warrior!"

"What now?! Bronn, my brother may well be romantically challenged, but there are people who are vertically challenged and can't possibly see what you giants - "

"He just pulled her hair."

"Sweet Mother of tits and wine!"

"She's going to kill him... Sorry, Imp, it seems you're the one who shall be called Lord of Casterly Rock, because... Ooooohhhhhhhh!"

"What now?!?!?!"

"You're most definitely the new Lord of Casterly Rock."

"She killed him?!"

"Nope... But I doubt he'll be able to have offspring. Fuck, that hurts like if all the Seven unleashed their anger..."

"Ooohhh, I think my mighty LadyConqueror just draw back into -"

"She's coming this way!"

...

"My Lady what a lovely day!"

"It is... I think you should check Ser Jaime for concussion."

"Concussion? My Lady, I know women often refer to man's... private parts... as their second brain, but I hardly..."

"Concussion he obviously had prior to our practice attempt. Some of the things he did are unlike him... Good day, Sers"

 

******************************************************

 

"Wench? Came to kiss my pain away?"

"And if you wish upon a star she'll suck you off, Lannister!"

"Bronn, what are you...? Tyrion, why are you two here?!"

"It seems we have to have the talk. Father skipped it and I doubt you ever had a need to learn how to approach a lady, what with our sweet sister neither being a lady nor being unapproachable."

"The talk?"

"The one about birds and bees, and how exactly they get together so they can finally fuck, Lannister!"

**Author's Note:**

> Right. So that was... that...
> 
> Hopefully you had no problem reading a story without "Bronn turned and said", "Jaime grunted", "Brienne stalked" and such. I tried my best to have every single voice distinct.


End file.
